An Emotional Roller Coaster

The past couple of weeks have been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. One minute I’m celebrating the end of my cancer treatments and the next I’m being told I need to have another surgery and possibly more treatments. I guess you could say this journey is far from being over and we seemed to have entered uncharted territory. 

Let’s rewind for a minute so I can update you on what has been happening the last couple of weeks and then I’ll share what I expect to happen next. 

Evelyn started soccer and has been loving every minute of it!

I’m continually reminded daily how much help I have to have during this season and I am so humbled to have people in my life that have been willing to help.

Since I’m not currently driving (pain meds), my parents and a lot of incredible friends have been helping transport me & my kiddos to all the places. Neither my kids nor I miss out on all the activities and events they have this time of year due to all this help.

Not only that, but I am beyond appreciative of the small favors that mean something BIG to me. I asked Evelyn’s teacher if we could come early to their Night of Excellence because I really don’t need to be around a lot of people. Her answer was YES, of course! So, I was able to go to an event before any other parents and students entered the building and see all of Evelyn’s work on display. 

It seems like a small thing, but it meant A LOT to me. I had originally alluded to the fact I wasn’t going to go and I was okay with it. Disappointed, but okay. However, Evelyn kept talking about her work that was on display and what she wanted to show me when all the parents come to look at their work. My heart kind of sank, but I knew I did NOT need to be around that many people. So, I figured you never know. The answer is always no if you don’t ask. And of course, in true MTCS fashion they were very accommodating. 

We are so grateful for our school! They have really shown so much love and compassion to both of my girls as we’ve been walking a very hard and scary road. 

Speaking of the road…

Who knows how many miles we have put on our vehicles driving to Franklin and Nashville every day! 

The more chemo & radiation I received the more intense the side effects became. It was definitely a compound effect. 

I was struggling to eat much of anything due to the radiation burns & thrush in my mouth. I continued to lose weight as a result, and 1-2 pounds became a very big deal. Thankfully, I was able to maintain it long enough that I did not have to get a feeding tube! But, it was definitely a scary conversation to hear my doctor and her team tell me it would likely happen if I couldn’t maintain my weight.

This led to me being on an all liquid diet. I’m not thrilled with this, but to be honest it’s the easiest and least painful way to get my nutrition. 

At the beginning of the month I started getting low grade fevers and we decided it was probably a result of dehydration. The first couple of days I was able to regulate my temperature and get it back down after drinking a lot of water, more Boost (yes, I feel like an old person drinking it), and a couple of hydration drinks. 

However, on April 2nd I woke up and knew something was not right. If you’ve ever been dehydrated you know that once it happens it’s incredibly hard to catch up. I tried drinking a few things, but we had to get out the door and go to radiation. My temperature was 102.5 and we had been told if your temp is ever 100.5 or higher go straight to the ER.

I barely got ready.. In other words, I just threw on some clothes, didn’t bother washing my face or brushing my teeth. That’s how bad I felt.

When we got to Franklin (where I do my radiation) I could hardly walk. I was incredibly weak and very emotional about the situation. Mom dropped me off at the door and I immediately found a seat when I went inside. I told the nurse I needed fluids and I thought I was dehydrated. 

To be honest, I hardly told her. This was all them guessing what I was trying to say because I can’t talk well when I’m about to cry. Something about my throat and swallowing significantly changed after my surgery. 

Instead of taking me to radiation they took me to a room, checked my vitals and contacted my oncologist’s team. 

Thankfully, I was still able to do my radiation. I was not missing a day and risking having to do it longer. 

By this point we heard back from my oncologist and she wanted me to go straight to the ER. They wanted to rule out sepsis or any kind of infection. This was terrifying to hear.. If you have known my family for years you likely remember my brother being in Vanderbilt and almost dying of sepsis. So, needless to say, that word is a bit of a trigger for me. 

After a super quick stop to Walgreens, we headed to Nashville and got checked in to the Vanderbilt ER. 

I was on their priority list, so it didn’t take a ton of time to get into a room compared to most people. You wouldn’t believe how many patients are on beds in the hallways. It’s pretty crazy! 

They did an X-ray of my chest to rule out pneumonia and a CT scan of my head and neck because I had a swollen lymph node. 

At this point I was having a very hard time emotionally. I kept replaying motherhood moments in my life and imagining moments in the future. Moments I didn’t want to miss. I truly didn’t want to die and all I could think about was my girls. They need me. 

I turned on one of my favorite songs, Still Waters (Psalm 23) by Leanna Crawford and just sat in my bed crying. 

Afterwards, my mom came and sat on the bed, held me and just let me cry. Not a single part of this journey is easy, but I do have peace knowing that Jesus is walking beside me the whole time. 

They moved us to 2 different rooms the next day and we landed in a very nice room above the children’s hospital on the 14th floor. So, in total we stayed in 3 different rooms while at the hospital.

The first room they moved us to was very nice, plenty big, and we had already gotten all settled when they told us we were moving to another room. Mom and I both jokingly asked, “Can we just stay here?” The lady laughed and said, “No, you have to move so we can make room for beds to open up.” 

In the middle of all this my oncologist sent 2 of her team members to tell me some very exciting news - I didn’t have to make up for the chemo I missed. Meaning, I was officially done! The nurse said she wished she had a bell for me to ring, but I reassured her I would be ringing one on Monday after my radiation. It was incredibly exciting to hear! Mom and I just sat there in shock and full of gratitude. It felt like things must be really good and I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Back to the room situation…

We grudgingly packed up everything and they wheeled me to the next room. We had no clue where in the world we were going because it was all the way over in the children’s hospital. Once we finally arrived, mom and I both just about fell over in shock. The room was HUGE! We also had a really nice view! This is a pretty big deal if you’re stuck in the hospital for several days. 

It made me think of Jesus and how he usually has something much better for us, but we tend to want to hold on to what we know and what feels comfortable. But, if we would just put our faith in him, what he has for us is so much better!

They kept me in the hospital for a few days to monitor my blood work. Something had initially looked concerning, but thankfully by the time we were getting ready to leave it was back to normal. 

Monday, April 7th was almost here and that meant radiation treatments would be over and I could RING THE BELL!!!!!

It was a very exciting day! My brother and my sister-in-love came to town to visit with me and be here for it. It was a blessing to have so many people that I love come watch me do something that only takes a matter of seconds. Knowing I have so many people near and far supporting me gives me so much confidence and courage. I am truly blessed!

After the excitement from Monday, they sent me to get fluids on Tuesday and I could tell it made a big difference! 

It had been such an exciting start to my week!

Thursday I had my follow up appointment with my oncologist at Vanderbilt. I was sitting in the room happy as a clam because I thought things must be looking good. I didn’t have to finish my chemo, radiation was over and I was finally able to maintain my weight. 

However, she looked at us both and said… “I have some not so great news to share.”

My heart sank.

I was thinking… How do you have bad news when just a few days ago you gave me good news?!?!

She pulled up the CT scan they did while I was in the hospital and said, we found some places on the right side of your neck that look very concerning and are very likely cancer. She told us we usually don’t have any scans done this early after or during treatment because everything lights up. So, I was lucky to have been in the ER and they requested one. Otherwise, we might not have caught this until months later and it might have been too late.

I was immediately thanking God for those fevers and getting sent to the ER!!!!

My oncologist shared with me that I had 2 options: Option 1. Have surgery to remove the lymph nodes and anything suspicious. Then, evaluate what needs to happen based on the findings during the surgery. Option 2. Immediately jump to another round of chemo & radiation. 

I just started crying at this point.. Not uncontrollably or anything, but still crying. I thought I was finished. Why do I have to go through more of this?!?! I’m trying not to question God, but I’m so over this part of my story!

I told my oncologist I wanted to have the surgery. I want that cancer out of my body!

So, she texted my surgeon and before we knew it I had an appointment that same day to consult with my surgeon. It worked out perfectly because they wanted me to be given more fluids and my appointment with her was in the early afternoon. So, we went and got some fluids and took a good nap! I was emotionally exhausted!!

We met with my surgeon and she oddly enough told me she thought I could get away with just chemo & radiation, but I told her I want to have the surgery and my gut tells me it needs to be done. So, she said - if you feel that confident about it then let’s do it. So, she made a call and got me on her schedule for the very next week. 

I also told her that this will be my 7th surgery with her and I told her in the bible the number 7 means completion and wholeness. 

So, on Wednesday April 16th my surgeon will remove the lymph nodes in question and my prayer is that none of them have any signs of cancer. I am asking for complete healing and pleading with God to make me a miracle. How cool would it be for them to take out these lymph nodes and be in complete awe and wonder as to what happened?!? I know God is more than able to do this and so much more, but in the end if he chooses not to do it He is still a good loving Father.

This news is also a tad concerning on the financial front to be frank. I have not been working since January, and well life is just plain expensive! The girls and I have been incredibly blessed financially by so many of you and it truly amazes me how God has provided for us through all this! So, if you made it this far in the blog post (I’m impressed) and feel compelled to give, you can do it by venmo or gofundme. No matter how big or how small - We truly appreciate the generosity!!! 

And don’t get me wrong - I would much rather be working and not dealing with any of this! I also considered trying to do some part time work, but my brain is very fuzzy on all of the medication I am on and I know it wouldn’t be my best work right now. I’m hopeful this will change in a few months, and I am able to start easing back into work. We shall see.

More than anything right now I ask for your prayers. God is the ultimate physician and whether He chooses to heal me or not, He is still sovereign and a loving Father. I know His plans are much better than my own. 

See you after surgery!