In order for that to make sense you’d have to have been watching my life over the past 10 years to fully understand what a wild card this diagnosis has been.

You see, I’ve come to the end of a VERY tumultuous divorce. 

I spent pretty much my entire marriage trying to cover up so many things that didn’t fit the mold of the life I was working so desperately to build.

But the reality is… All I ever wanted to do was give my girls everything I thought they deserved and more!

Every decision was filtered through that lens.

• Will it keep them safe?

• Will it provide an incredible experience?

• Will they feel loved as a result?

• Will they learn to love God?

• Will they have fun?

You get the picture.

Even to this day, I want to provide experiences, memories, mentorship, but more than anything LOVE.

I want them to feel LOVED. 

Truly, deeply, sacrificial LOVE.

Many people painted me as the villain over the last few years (which anyone who knew me would laugh at this remark).

It’s actually pretty humorous.. Because all I ever wanted was for my girls to be given what they deserved. Every choice I have made was for my girls and my desire to protect them.

What has transpired over the past few months has been God working on my heart to show me HIS LOVE for my girls is far greater than any love or protection that I could possibly provide.

That doesn’t seem to make any sense to me…

I have spent 16 years learning how to diffuse situations, control my emotions, disguise the beast, shield others from the shrapnel, defend and protect those around me and love the unlovable. 

And while I am incredibly grateful for what God has done in me, through me and for me during that time…

God knew in order for me to be prepared for what is next I had to leave behind people, habits, relationships, careers, and even idolatry. 

You see, earlier I mentioned every decision I made was for my daughters.

While there is nothing wrong with the desire to build a better life for your children and loved ones…

The filter to which you make decisions should never be your children…

It should be GOD.

I should be asking the questions…

• If I take this job will it help me expand the kingdom?

• If the girls go to this school will it bring them closer to God?

• If we move into this rental, will it give me more peace to show up as the mother God wants me to be?

You see the difference? Boy, I sure do!

At the height of my career God asked me to give everything back to him.

• My dream home.

• My marriage.

• My financial well-being.

• My health.

…and even…

• My girls.

I was working so hard to protect them I forgot I had access to the one who goes to war for us. 

God knew that the only way I would lay them at the feet of Jesus, and ask him to take over would be if I was forced to do it.

(Now, I can’t speak for God, but I can very clearly see how the events all connected build this beautiful love story of God pursuing me)

Que the cancer diagnosis.

It’s really hard to take care of children, much less yourself, when you are in pain.

I have had 5 surgeries on my tongue and tomorrow will make 6.

I am not a smoker, I do not dip, and I do not have a history of tongue cancer in my family.

So, after every surgery the doctor would walk in with a smile and say, there was only mild dysplasia or moderate this time, etc. 

However, on January 14th she walked out to the waiting room after just 30 minutes and sat with my mom in a conference room sharing that she had found a tumor in my tongue and it was cancer.

I woke up sobbing (probably a little bit from the anesthesia) and saying over and over, “I have cancer.” The nurse asked me how I knew or who told me and asked if the doctor had been to see me yet. I just kept crying because I somehow knew it was true.

The doctor walked in and I had tears in my eyes and I said, “I have cancer.” Her eyes were full of tears and she said, “Yes, we found a tumor. I’m so sorry. BUT, we are going to beat this.” 

She had such conviction in her voice, but all I felt was sadness, anger, and abandonment.

I had just spent 16 years fighting for my girls, and I felt like I was supposed to keep fighting.

How could I fight a battle when I can barely function? Why would He do this to me? Hadn’t I already done my time? I’ve been through enough!

But God gently reminded me, “They don’t belong to you. They belong to me. I need you to let me take over.”

I need to stop playing God and prepare for the final battle because this is the one that will lead me into the restoration I have been desiring.

I once had a vision of myself covered in blood, holding a sword, wearing some pretty bad ass (excuse my language mom) gear and standing over a cliff where I see thousands of people. I seemed out of breath, worn down, but proud of the victory I was able to claim.

But what happened next was the girls walked forward in their robes. Beautiful and majestic over looking the land as if they were going to rule over the people from a place of power and authority. 

But this was only happening as a result of the battle and bloodshed I had just endured without them.

• I am courageous.

• I persevere.

• I am disciplined.

• I inspire others.

• I create movement.

These things all scare Satan.

One of my talents is speaking. Clearly Satan wants to shut me up. Well, if you’ve ever sat with me, took a ride in the car with me or got on zoom - you know I can talk for days when I’m not in pain.

So, whether Satan is trying to do some kind of Job thing with me or not.. I don’t care, because God is using this tragic plan of his to bring me closer to Him.

Anytime I face a struggle or trial I always try to remind myself of the beauty that comes from pressure.

The most precious oil takes an insane amount of pressure to produce.

If God is going to elevate me to a place I have never been to, I am going to have to overcome things I have never experienced. 

While I HATE to wear this badge and join the cancer club…

I plan to show up with my sword, my shield, and my army behind me and go to war.

God is bringing me so many blessings already as I begin to walk down this path, and I am beyond grateful.

• So many prayers.

• So many donations.

• So much support.

• So much encouragement.

• So much hope.

I’m trusting in His promises to…

Protect my girls.

Give me patience & peace in this process.

Prosperously provide what the locusts have stolen.

Restore me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

These are all things I cannot do on my own.

It’s time for God to take over and me to submit to his plans.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

So, tomorrow I go in to Vanderbilt and my incredible surgeon will remove the tumor from my tongue, rebuild my tongue with tissue from my wrist (science is crazy).

They will have to give me a trachea and a feeding tube for about 10 days.

That’s not going to be fun, but honestly I’m kind of relieved because eating and trying to get protein over the past week has been rough!

So, at least I won’t be wasting away!

The recovery is going to be HARD.

I know there will be a lot of pain, but I am hopeful they will have a good routine to help me manage the pain.

I feel good about the surgery and I know God has his hand all over this.

I feel a beautiful peace and sense of relief. Almost as if this will be my final surgery and I am just severing a soul tie that must be cut in order to move into what God has prepared for me.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint.

I am so grateful for every person who has brought us food, who donated on my go fund me ( you can still donate here: https://gofund.me/00fff96d ), who sent me money on venmo, who loved on my girls, sent me happy mail, who cleaned my house, who spoiled me with a pedicure, a facial and lots of encouragement, prayers and love.

It has truly blown me away. I feel so loved!

But just know.. My recovery is going to take a few months, and really a year or two because I will likely have implants (teeth) put in to replace any removed in about a year.

I will be out of work on sick leave for a few months (with no pay). I haven’t worked long enough to build up that many sick days! Haha

So, I am praying that some of you will still offer help in a month or two.  

I don’t usually like people helping me.

I like to be in control - which means I like things done a certain way.

Welp, that mentality goes out the window when you are in a lot of pain and simply need help with pretty much everything.

So, grab your sneakers, your armor and get ready for a marathon. We have a battle to win, but it won’t be over quick.

I’ll see you on the other side of the anesthesia.